My Story: Who Am I & What is my purpose in life?

Hi, my name is Eric and I am 32 years old. I grew up in a small town in New England but moved to California when I was 19. I currently live in the mountains of Southern California with two adorable puppies.

I was brought up in a fairly religious and conservative home. My father was a pastor in the Quaker Church for much of my childhood, and faith in God has always been a foundational element in my family life.

I have always questioned my faith. At age 12 I was punished by my Sunday school teacher for questioning the truth of the Bible (I had to sit in the car while everyone else enjoyed the church picnic). According to my teacher, my outspokenness was detrimental to the faith of my fellow students, and so, after speaking with my parents, I was moved to the adult class where my questions would be less damaging.

Throughout my twenties I continued to struggle with these same doubts and questions. It was for this reason that I chose Philosophy as my major in college.

Then, in my mid-twenties, three important changes took place that have been influential in the development of my thinking on the existence of God.

The first shift in my thinking, and what I believe was the start of my true journey into the exploration of this subject, was that I finally managed to stop feeling guilty for my doubts. For a long time I had been plagued by the feeling that I was a disappointment to my family, while at the same time being angry that I could not as easily accept the truths that everyone else seemed to consider self-evident.

I was also torn between an almost desperate need to have my thoughts validated by those around me -- the most important people in my life: my family; but I also feared being responsible for causing others to doubt their own faith. I love my family and, although I desired their validatation, I also did not want them to experience the same internal struggle that I was going through. I felt guilty every time I let my passion get too hot which inevitably resulted in conflict.

I resolved to stop discussing the subject with my family, and I believe that helped me to release the guilt I had always felt in regard to my contrary thoughts and feelings.

As I continued to consider the question of God's existence or absence, I became convinced that the answer could be found by understanding the nature of reality itself. If God had truly created both Heaven and Earth, I felt it would be impossible for Him not to leave an impression of Himself in His creation. Therefore if He did exist, evidence of that existence would be woven into the very definition of the universe.

At first this only led to further confusion and frustration, and this caused a dramatic shift in my approach to the problem. For the first time I began looking for evidence of God's absence, rather than evidence of His existence.

Let me explain. During most of my life, as I struggled with these questions, my goal had always been to prove that God did exist. The idea that there was no God was such a scary concept that unconsciously the goal of my thinking had always been to find proof of God. Now however I was able to switch my thinking and instead start with the premise that He did not exist and evaluate the evidence in that light.

Up until this point I had still considered myself a Christian struggling with his faith, but now I had to admit that I could no longer claim that affiliation. I was now an agnostic.

I reevaluated all of my previous thinking under this new view of the issue. And to my surprise, I discovered that the world around me suddenly made a great deal more sense than it had before. It was as if I had been trying to place a square peg into a round hole, and now I had picked up a round peg and was startled to find how much easier it fit.

But this feeling was still very intangible, and so, being a writer, I decided to attempt to articulate my thoughts on paper. I've been working on this thesis (off and on) for most of the last two years.

And it is from that paper that the idea for this blog was born.

As I attempted to articulate my thoughts in written form, I found the biggest obstacle to the project was my own isolation. I needed feedback from others to help me see the faults in my arguments and refine my ideas that were still too ethereal and undefined as yet.

But I could not turn to my family for this feedback, which left me without another source. Thus the creation of this blog.

I have many thoughts and ideas, but they need to be refined and expanded. To help me with that I need outside input -- other brains to help me look at things from different perspectives and views.

So that is the hope I have for this blog: To find other inquiring "souls" (no pun intended) who are willing to explore these concepts with me without defensiveness or anger.

I know the question that believers who visit this blog will be asking themselves is: Am I open to the idea that during the process of this exploration I will change my mind about God's existence and become a believer myself?

Certainly. In fact, I am hoping that contrary arguments will be brought up by others which force me to think deeper and explore ideas I hadn't considered.

So there it is. I hope that if you are reading this, you will explore this blog and participate in discussions of one of the most important questions mankind has ever considered.

Good luck and (dare I say it?) God Bless!

--Eric