Part I: My Talk with God

[The following is the first part in a series of interviews I had with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. My lawyer told me to say that nothing God [henceforth to be known as THE BIG GUY] says is representative of this blog or interviewer [henceforth to be known as ME]. All opinions, statements and assertions made by THE BIG GUY in no way represents this blog or ME. The opinions, comments and delusions of grander are THE BIG GUY's own, and no one shall hold this blog, or ME, liable for anything expressed.]

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ME: God --

THE BIG GUY: YES

ME: -- dammit! Sorry, I dropped my pencil.

THE BIG GUY: ....

ME: OK, sorry about that. Force of habit you know...

THE BIG GUY: ....

ME: ....

THE BIG GUY: ....

ME: Ahem... Anyway, let's start right in then. There are a lot of people out there with all these different ideas of what -- oh, excuse me -- Who You are. Some think You're this kind of father figure who guides and protects us. Others seem to think You are a vengeful god Who takes vicious punishment out on people who disagree with You. So, who are you? Does anybody get it right? And if so, which ones?

THE BIG GUY: I AM THE LORD THY GOD.

ME: Yeah, I know. That's how I found Your number. What I mean is, tell me something about Yourself. Are you kind and benevolent? Are you vengeful and angry? Let's set the record straight -- once and for all! Just tell me a little bit about what kind of person -- oh, sorry, -- I mean, what kind of god you are?

THE BIG GUY: I AM THE LORD THY GOD.

ME: OK, how about ... are you male or female? Christians seem to think you're male -- the Holy Father; while others think of You as Mother Nature. Shouldn't you either be both -- male and female -- or neither?

THE BIG GUY: I AM THE LORD THY GOD.

ME: ...

THE BIG GUY: ...

ME: Um, let's try another question, shall we?

THE BIG GUY: ....

ME: OK... Here's one. Now this is one I think a lot of us have asked before. Why do you seem so angry and vengeful in the Old Testament, and then you're all like loving and forgiving in the New Testament? What gives? Which is it?

THE BIG GUY: ....

ME: All I'm saying here is that if you'd been a bit more specific, maybe created some billboard signs when you were doing the trees, then
3 there wouldn't be so many people fighting over their interpretation of You.

THE BIG GUY: I AM THE LORD THY GOD.

ME: Uh-huh, I know. Um, don't you think it's strange that one of the most essential truths about our reality is that it can be understood, but You -- Who made this reality in the first place -- are so apparently impossible to understand?

THE BIG GUY: ...

ME: You did a great job with the earth, but otherwise you seem quit disorganized.

THE BIG GUY: I AM THE LORD THY GOD.

ME: Hmmm, I think I'm starting to see what the problem is...

Tune in Next Week for the second part in this ongoing interview series when I Talk to Jesus!